


New Translation of Matthew 4:1-11 by a Mr A.Z. Fell Published in 'The Examiner' Weekly Newspaper 6th July 1827

by Cheeseanonioncrisps



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Because he want to write his own bible, Bible, Footnotes, Gen, New Testament - Freeform, New Testament!Aziraphale, Pre-Canon, Victorian!Crowley, aziraphale sets the record straight, background ineffable husbands, biblical translation, but having aziraphale insist on calling it a wilderness, but the bible says 'wilderness', except for Eden and the Flood obviously, new testament!crowley, okay so i always heard it as 'desert', so i've compromised by setting it in a desert, temptation of jesus in the wilderness, victorian!aziraphale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-12 02:17:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20125495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheeseanonioncrisps/pseuds/Cheeseanonioncrisps
Summary: Though not the usual sort of thing that is published in this humble periodical, we hope that readers will enjoy this new (and rather unorthodox) translation of the gospel of Matthew from the original Greek. Notes from the editors have been added in places where further clarification is thought necessary.Those with questions may reach Mr Fell at his bookshop in Soho, although we most emphatically advise them not to try.





	New Translation of Matthew 4:1-11 by a Mr A.Z. Fell Published in 'The Examiner' Weekly Newspaper 6th July 1827

And so Jesus was lead by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by a demon. After fasting for forty days and forty nights[1], he hungered.

And when the Tempter came he was riding a camel, which he fell off the moment it stopped moving, and he said "bugger![2] Whose bloody idea was it to hold the stupid thing in the desert anyway?" Then he got up again and tried to play the whole thing off like this was how he always dismounted his camel (which, in fairness, it was) and said "hey, are you this Son of God bloke then?"

And Jesus said "you say so."

And the demon said "actually I didn't, but good line." He looked around at the wilderness. "Couldn't have picked somewhere more obvious, could you? Or at least put up a sign? I've been riding that blasted thing all day looking for you, you know. Terrible animals, camels. Who came up with them? A horse but it's got a big wobbly lump on top and keeps spitting at you— bet that was one of Hastur's actually, seems right up his–"[3]

And Jesus did not say anything, but did cough in a way that subtly hinted that he would rather like to get on, and he was sure that the Tempter had other, more important, places to be and he wouldn't want to keep him.

And the Tempter said "right! Right! Tempting! Um..." and looked around once more at the wilderness and said "once again, terrible venue. I mean, if we were back in Nazereth then it'd be _easy_. Just take you to a brothel, or a bar— or else there's a lovely little restaurant right near the temple. The fish stew is to die for. Take you there, you'd be tempted in five minutes, give or take. But in the desert..." 

And there was a pause as they both considered their surroundings and how utterly untempting they were.

And the Tempter said "well, there's rocks," and picked up a few. "Do you like rocks? 'Cause if you do then my job just got a whole lot easier." He waved a particularly smooth rock slowly under Jesus's nose. "Come on. Nice rock, isn't it? Lovely rock. All hard and... rocky. Very tempting, _right?"_

And Jesus said "no, not really. Sorry." He shrugged apologetically.

And the Tempter said "what if you turned them into something better, then? Like that whole water into wine thing. That was you, wasn't it?"

And Jesus nodded.

And the Tempter said "well then, water into wine, rocks into, I dunno... apples! Humans love apples! Very tempting, trust me. Or bread, how about bread? I know you're hungry. Why don't you turn some of these rocks into bread?"

But Jesus replied "it is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God."

And the Tempter muttered something that sounded like "you'll starve to death then." But Jesus was not sure he had heard him correctly.

And the Tempter threw his hands up in the air in a most dramatic manner and said "well, that's me fresh out of ideas!" Then he collapsed on a nearby sand dune in a huff.[4]

And after a few minutes Jesus said "look, there must be something you can tempt me with. Didn't they leave you with any instructions?"

And the Tempter scoffed and said "oh yeah, instructions! No, not very big on instructions Down There. Anything more complicated than 'make trouble' or 'tempt someone' is a bit beyond them." He decided that if Jesus definitely wasn't going to fall for the whole 'rocks into food' thing then _somebody_ ought to ensure that those poor rocks weren't being wasted. So he miracled[5] some into the nearest thing a miracle could achieve to a bowl of the fish stew served at the restaurant by the temple in Nazareth[6]. "They don't tell me anything. Just expect me to _do stuff_ and hope that I'm getting it right. And they never let you know if you've done what they wanted until after you've done it."

And Jesus glanced briefly up at the sky, which was cloudless, and said "I know what you mean."

And the Tempter looked up from his stew and said "shut up! You're the son of God. You've got that hypo– hypostatistic– that _thing_ going on with Her." He pointed skywards. "You're sorted."

And Jesus said "your kind were angels once, weren't they? You'll have met God."

And the Tempter kept eating his stew and didn't look up, but nodded, once.

And Jesus said "tell me, did She[7]seem like the type to leave detailed, easy to understand instructions? Or did She come across as more the 'tell them not to eat shellfish, give some strangely mixed messages about whether or not they're allowed to kill people and then let them get on with it' sort?"

And the Tempter looked rather awkward, but said nothing.

And after a while Jesus said "you know, if you have no instructions about how to tempt me, then surely that means that means that nobdy's told you that we _have_ to stay in the desert..."

And the Tempter brightened up considerably and said "fair point. And you've just given me a great idea for my next temptation."

Then the Tempter took him to the Holy City and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said "right, throw yourself off."

And Jesus looked at him with an expression that suggested that he was currently wondering if demons could get heatstroke[8], and said "this is supposed to be tempting?"

And the Tempter said "Sure. She's not going to let you die, is She? 'S written. ‘She shall give Her angels charge over you,' and, 'In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.’ Though that might just add to the threat, come to think of it, depending on _which_ angels She sends. If it's Gabriel of Michael or any of that lot, then you might actually be better off dashing your foot against a stone or whatever." He looked down at the streets below, leaned over the edge and spat, grinning as a cry came from below, and quickly ducking backwards before the human had chance to look up.

And he said "come on. You want to know if She's happy with you, don't you? Well, if She is then she won't let you fall, and if She isn't then, being you, you're still pretty much guaranteed a place in Heaven. Just jump off, instant feedback."

And Jesus rolled his eyes and said "it is also written 'you shall not tempt the Lord your God'."

And the Tempter shrugged and said "well yeah, if it wasn't I wouldn't be here."

And the Tempter took him up to the top of an exceedingly high mountain.

And Jesus said "I'm not jumping off this either."

And the Tempter said "no, seriously, this is going to be really good. Watch this!"

And the Tempter showed him all the kingdoms of the world, and all the glory of them, which was a very impressive[9] and difficult miracle. 

And the Tempter said "see that? Whole world. Amazing isn't it— really hard to get it all in one place as well. You should be very impressed."

And Jesus assured him that he was and even clapped a bit to show willing.

And the Tempter said "right, so here's the deal. All you have to do is worship me— well, not _me_, obviously, pretend I'm Satan saying this bit— and all this can be yours."

And Jesus said "apart from the bits that already belong to me, as the son and sort of incarnation of God, you mean?"

And the Tempter said "yeah, well, apart from those bits. But the bits that have fallen to our side tend to be more fun anyway. We have better drinks[10]."

And Jesus grinned and said "away with you Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Her only you shall serve.’ "

Then the demon left him— "oh well, gave it my best shot. Be seeing you! Or I suppose hopefully not from your perspective."— and behold, angels came and ministered to him.

And one of the angels looked up from his ministering and said "Crawly?"[11]

1 Mr Fell would like it stated that, although the translation is technically correct, he personally doubts that the Christ actually spent as long as forty days in the wilderness, on the grounds that "the miracle" necessary to keep a human being alive for that length of time without food or water would be "too great." When it was pointed out to him that miracles can surely, by definition, accomplish anything, he looked suddenly rather annoyed and muttered that "you would think so, wouldn't you, but just you try telling Upstairs that." The meaning of this is completely lost on both our editors, but anybody who would like to hazard a guess is welcome to write in. [return to text]

2  The editors would like to take this opportunity to apologise to readers for this and all further vulgarities present in this piece. Mr Fell assured us at great length that this was the closest possible translation in modern English to what the demon said. A Gentleman Acquaintance of Mr Fell's, who happened to be in the shop at the time this conversation was had, disagreed and offered up several other possible translations of the verse that he claimed were far more accurate, but that were also all surprisingly long, even more colourful than Mr Fell's suggestion and, therefore, utterly unprintable.

The discussion continued until Mr Fell suggested with a Look that he had rather a lot of work to do, and perhaps the Gentleman would like to leave if he was so determined to be a distraction. Said Gentleman then scowled and instead draped himself over one of the large couches at the back of the shop. He stayed there for the rest of the meeting, shooting dark looks at the editors when Mr Fell had his back turned and occasionally making loud and pointed comments to the air about the foolishness and arrogance of not accepting help and good advice when it is freely offered. 

The editors were informed by Mr Fell to "ignore him. He's just annoyed that we're having to delay lunch for this." He went on to add: "not that I have ever met or indeed interacted with him in any way before today, of course." [return to text]

3  After much insistence from the editors, Mr Fell was finally persuaded to cut this paragraph down to just one verse. Readers can be assured that this was for the best, as the New Testament is in no way improved by the inclusion of a ten minute rant about camels and speculation about which angel invented them. (Mr Fell would like it stated that he thinks camels are rather nice animals, _actually_, and suspects that designing real live creatures is a lot harder than it looks. He said that he was sorry that the particular angel who created them focused more on making sure they could survive in a desert environment— "which was really rather difficult... er, I assume"— and less on preparing them to one day be sat on by unappreciative demons. The Gentleman on the couch spoke up at this point and insinuated that Mr Fell was only of this opinion because he had never actually ridden a camel himself.) [return to text]

4  One of the editors questioned the accuracy of the translation of this particular verse, on the basis that such behaviour was surely not what one expected of a servant of Satan himself. The Gentleman on the couch agreed, making the rather curious argument that such dramatics and childish sulks were more the domain of angels than of demons. Demons, he stated, have far more natural dignity, and if this one happened not to show as much of it as might otherwise be expected, it was only due to the intensely frustrating nature of his task. Mr Fell looked strangely sympathetic at this, but insisted that the verse remain as he originally translated it.

He did however concede that "I would have been upset too, dear boy" and would like it stated that he is sure that that particular demon normally behaves in a much more professional manner while on duty and probably went on to be responsible for several quite impressive demonic wiles. The Gentleman on the Couch in turn would like it stated that, while he refuses to take back the comment about angels being typically prone to melodrama and having "practically invented the concept of a 'huff'" he fully admits that this in no way detracts from their ability to carry out their divine tasks. He is sure that _some_ in particular are very capable at "all that thwarting and do-gooding and so forth", but says that if the statement is ever linked back to him by name then he will find whoever is responsible and "ensure that they can never again pick up a newspaper without getting a particularly nasty paper cut." [return to text]

5  Mr Fell assures us that this is a verb. [return to text]

6  When once again reminded that miracles are surely capable of anything, Mr Fell responded "theoretically yes, but in practise they can never quite get all the spices right", and then refused to elaborate further. [return to text]

7  Readers who are foolhardy enough to track down Mr Fell are strongly advised not to ask him about the consistent use of female pronouns to refer to the Almighty. Doing so will result in a twenty minute lecture (one of the editors timed it with his pocketwatch) on the absurdity of assigning any true gender to God and the many ways that our insistence on a male God reinforces patriarchal attitudes within society.

Your humble editors do not quite know what would happen to anyone who dared suggest to Mr Fell that the subjugation of women is in any way right or, heaven forbid, as God intended, but anyone of these opinions is more than welcome to go and find out. [return to text]

8  Mr Fell assures us that they cannot, "although it often seems like they get it all the time". He might have been persuaded to elaborate on this curious statement, were it not for the Gentleman on the couch, who chose this moment to throw a cushion at him. [return to text]

9  On behalf of the strangely indignant Gentleman on the couch, Mr Fell would like it stated that it is a crying shame that more translations of this text do not acknowledge the difficulty in producing demonic miracles such as this one, which was particularly brilliant. Said miracle fully deserved more that the one line of description that it is typically granted, though "I don't think it's anything personal, my dear. Matthew never was much of a writer after all". [return to text]

10  Mr Fell assures us that this is absolutely not the case. The Gentleman on the couch assures us that Mr Fell is in denial as "it's not as if they go around calling it the 'angel drink' is it?"

Arguments based on the fact that the Lord himself turned water into wine were dismissed on the grounds that that was "a one off. And anyway, you couldn't really get comfortably pissed with the Son of God in the room, could you? Especially when he started telling everyone it was his own blood. That's not exactly something you want to be thinking about while you're drinking." [return to text]

11  When asked the meaning of this last verse, Mr Fell suddenly became curiously deaf, and then began at once to usher the editors out of his shop, on the grounds that it was past closing time already and, anyway, he had a lunch appointment to keep.

The Gentleman on the couch brightened up considerably at this, got up off it and told the editors to "piss off, you two, you heard him!" After which Mr Fell admonished him for his rudeness, although it must be said he did not sound all that annoyed about it. A few moments later, the editors found themselves out in the street without any real memory of how they got there.

They have been back to visit the shop a few times since, but have never yet found it open. [return to text]

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so a few things...
> 
> \- Most of this fic is obviously mine, but a few key quotes have been taken from the actual story of the Temptation of Jesus that is found in the gospel of Matthew. Quotes are mostly copied from the New King James Version, but the structure was more inspired by the original King James Version and Young's Literal Translation, because I like how they begin nearly every sentence with a connective. Biblegateway is a really great resource, by the way.  
\- The 'thing going on with Her' Crowley refers to Jesus having is the 'Hypostatic Union', which is basically the idea that Jesus was both God and man at the same time. Because I spent fucking hours revising for that Religious Studies A-Level and I am bloody well going to use it.  
\- 'The Examiner' was a real Victorian newspaper that ran from 1808 to 1886. 'The editors' are the brothers Leigh and John Hunt, who founded it, although it is possible that only Leigh was actually an editor— Wikipedia isn't clear. It was associated with radical ideas and published the likes of Percy Shelley and Lord Byron, so I figured if Aziraphale was going to be reading anything modern, it would be this.  
\- The date listed was picked totally at random (though with another look at Wikipedia, it turns out I dodged a bullet, since 'The Examiner' changed to a new editor in 1830) and I have no idea if any issues of the paper were released on that specific date.  
\- If it turns out that there weren't, readers are free to assume that this was because they were all destroyed by a great fire that started at the publishing house after everyone had gone home. Every edition was burnt to cinders except for one, which currently resides in a bookshop in Soho, on a shelf in between the Prophecies of Agnes Nutter and the 'Buggre Alle This Bible'.
> 
> Kudos and comments would be adored!


End file.
